Christmas is finally here and no doubt you’ve already finished your shopping.
You left a few very important people off your shopping list, however. Namely, your favorite rappers. They’ve done nothing but provide us with great music and be good little girls and boys (GS9 excepted) all year. And yet you stiffed ‘em.
Of course there’s an argument to be made that you paid for their music and that should be enough. We only have one problem with that argument, reader: we watch the charts and we know you didn’t buy a damn thing.
With that in mind, we’ve compiled a list of late Christmas gifts for you to bestow on your favorite artists.
Wayne
Lil Wayne- A New Record Deal
Weezy has been fuming the last few weeks over Cash Money Records alleged withholding of his long-awaited album Tha Carter V.
"I want off this label and nothing to do with these people but unfortunately it ain't that easy," he said of in a series of tweets blasting the label that gave him his start. "I am a prisoner and so is my creativity. Again, I am truly sorry and I don't blame ya if ya fed up with waiting for me and this album. But thank you."
Wayne himself admitted that getting a new record deal wouldn’t be easy, so this is a tough get for any potential gift-giver. In lieu of his preferred present, he will obviously accept Cash Money. *ba dum tss*
Rick Ross- A Fruit Basket
This self-proclaimed Hood Billionaire can definitely afford his own food, but his physique makes it look like he’s never actually tasted diced pineapples.
If Rozay wants to be making records at damn-near 50 like his buddy Jigga, he'll have to keep up with RossFit regime, which apparently includes plenty of pear(s). Maybe this fruit basket will introduce him to other fruits than just the pear.
Don’t be sad if he meets this gift with a customary “Ugh.”
Rae Sremmurd – Planet Fitness memberships
We’re not trying to suggest that Swae Lee and Slim Jimmy are out of shape like Rozay. Hell, Jimmy felt that being skinny was an important enough part of his personality to include it in his rap name.
We just feel that the boys “No Flex Zone” mentality will fit in well at the notoriously anti-gym rat chain.
Jeremih – A release date
Much like Weezy, Jeremih has had his long-awaited album delayed. Late Nights isn’t sitting on the shelf because of label decisions, however. Mih has just decided that the record isn’t ready for non-Jeremih consumption yet. The lead single “Don’t Tell ‘Em” dropped this summer but who knows when we will hear the parent album.
If we could give Jeremih anything for Christmas, it'd be a definitive release date.
Og Maco
OG Maco- An Encyclopedia Set
No more guessing for OG Maco and his friends.
Migos- An Extension Cord
So they don’t have to travel all the way to the island to reach tha plug.
Killer Mike – Nobel Peace Prize
If they can give it to President Barack Obama before he actually did anything, surely they can give it to Mr. Michael Rendor for his impassioned speech in St. Louis and general willingness to represent rap in a positive light during the ongoing unrest in the United States.
Kevin Gates – A Sleep Therapy Sound Machine
You don’t get tired? Tell that to the “Ocean Waves” setting, bruh.
Nicki Minaj & Meek Mill – Pillow Talk Pillows
These pillows are designed to allow Nicki and alleged boo Meek Mill leave each other bedtime messages even when they are out on tour.
Drake – A RealDoll that looks like Nicki
For those of you that don’t traverse the seedier corners of the internet, RealDolls are high-end sex dolls for people who have 5 grand to put toward masturbation.
Nobody should have to look as sad as Drake did at the end of the “Anaconda” video.
YG – Iggy Azalea’s Grammy
We’ll let him speak for himself on this one.
Birdman – A Lifetime Supply of Jergen’s
Rubbing your hands together that often is no fun if they're dry.